Clinton Jokes....

Hillary blames scandal on "vast right-wing conspiracy." "Vast left-wing conspiracy" agrees. The Illuminati abstains. Space aliens from Roswell were unavailable for comment.

"Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out."

"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other."

"Bob Dole and Bill Clinton did a point/counterpoint segment on '60 Minutes' and both of them brought their own sponsors. Bob Dole of course had Viagra and Clinton had Dupont Stain Master Carpets."

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her."

Q. What goes slurp, slurp, gulp?
A. Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky?
A. One can't come clean and the other can't clean come

Q. What did Monica Lewinsky find in her purse?
A. A wad of Bill's

Q. What do you call an eight-day blow job?
A. Hanukkah Lewinsky.

Q. What do Snap, Crackle and Pop have in common with Monica Lewinsky?
A. They all talk after being hit with a white liquid

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!

Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.

Q. What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
A. NOW she decides to open her mouth!

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling by car together in the Midwest when a tornado comes along, whirls them up into the air and tosses miles away to the Land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard.
Newt Gingrich steps forward first and says, "I would like to have a heart."
Dan Quayle says, "I would like to have a brain."
And Bill Clinton says, "I'm here for Dorothy!"

There is a study indicating that teens nowadays find condoms easy to obtain. 20% get condoms at family planning clinics. 30% get them at school. The remaining 50% said President Clinton brings his own.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

The Clinton's ordered a new parrot, which was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, this parrot used to live in a whorehouse.
When Hillary walked through the door, the Parrot squawked, "Too old! Too old!"
Then Chelsea walked in and the parrot said, "Too young! Too young!"
Then Bill walked in and the parrot said, "Hi Bill."

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the
helicopter in front of the White House, he was
carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "Oh, young man, these are not
pigs. You see, I just came back from Arkansas. These
are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one
for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for our
new Speaker of The House, Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says,
"Excellent Trade Sir, Excellent Trade!"

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Good news for President Clinton. They've repaired his heart and his lungs. That's two of his three busiest organs"

Tomorrow is the opening of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Yeah, the opening ceremonies will feature speeches by former presidents, a 100-piece orchestra, and a wet T-shirt contest."

"Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, 'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary."