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Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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A man goes to see his priest.

"Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The priest asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Priest, very surprised by this, says, "That can't be right. You must be mistaken."

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The priest then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the priest calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, yes Father!"

"Take the poison," says the priest.

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Ponderables

1. If you spin an Oriental around several times does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. Is a query a baby queer?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced one-ty one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? (Actually "Go !" is a shorter sentence.)
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *
15. If Western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them when they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Is a cataract an expensive Chinese car?
20. Is an asset a baby donkey?
21. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*  The color of the hair we had at 16

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Submitted by he who is scared shitless to have his name on the internet.

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Why dogs bite people

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Discovered by Augustine25 on Missourah
It's pretty exhausting trying to keep track of what is legitimate criticism of President Obama and what is racial hatred. That's why Missourah developed this handy flow chart:



If you think that a czar is unconstitutional
... you might be a racist!

If you are opposed to a government run health care system
... you might be a racist!

If you think that it is unAmerican to bow before the Saudi King
... you might be a racist!

If you think that the stimulus plan has been an utter failure
... you might be a racist!

If you think that this administration is driving the deficit up at alarming rates
... you might be a racist!

If you think that this is a nation based on Christian values
... you might be a racist!

If you think that communism and socialism are NOT the solution
... you might be a racist!

If you value the 1st Amendment, but think that the media is state-run
... you might be a racist!

If you are sick and tired of the race card being played
... you might be a racist!

If you are a racist according to the current liberal agenda
... you might just be an American!

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A Co-worker (who shall remain nameless) sent me some photos from the "I Fixed It" site...












Many, many more Kludges on the site...

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MILITARY LANGUAGE CONVERSION CHART



From a friend Jarhead's Facebook Page

This Story...

Crazy newspaper headlines

Where the driver is from..........

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California

With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um".

From Theo

I fix furwalls.



Thanx to Icanhazcheezburger via hell in a basket

...this is funny.

Worker dead at desk for five days

From the New York Times: Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for five days before no one asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Sunday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was working during the weekend.
His boss, Elliot Wachiaski, said: "George was always the first guy in the morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all the time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
You might want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. The moral of the story; don't work too hard. Nobody cares anyway.




In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.



A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.



Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

Funny, I use the nose things for snoring, but I think these would get my wife's seal of approval.

Thanx to that guy at work who shall remain nameless

Got me thinking about raising babies.  After living thru three of them, I find this advice spot on.  From the book Babies and Other Hazards of Sex.



* I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

You must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two.
But you must also remember that the other one of you is about the size
of a golf ball, so lets not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of
pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating for is
Orson Welles.



* Keep in mind that it's a baby you're eating for. If you're going to
eat for it, don't eat like an adult; eat like a baby. This doesn't mean
you can't have Mallomars; it means you must hold them in your hands
until the chocolate melts and then rub it into your hair and the sofa.



* But never mind what you teach the child while its in the uterus; the
important thing is that you can teach it and you'd better, if you want
it to get into Harvard Medical School. Of course, the teaching method
has to be very simple. I mean, you can't go in there with slide
projectors or anything.



Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and
behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years
trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object,
your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your
baby will try to obtain one via mail order.



Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear
baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room
should be in Peru.



The United States Constitution empowers grandmothers to stop any young
person on the street with a baby and offer advice, and they take this
responsibility very seriously.



All your really smart, with-it trendsetters are into breast-feeding
today. Go into any swank New York City night spot and you'll see dozens
of chic women such as Leona Helmsley breast feeding, many of them with
rented babies.



...You should keep up this tough discipline until your child is in junior high school and thus has access to weapons.



We modern sensitive husbands realize that is very unfair to place the
entire child-care burden on our wives, so many of us are starting to
assume maybe three percent of it. Even this is probably too much.



You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave
their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads
those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little
life dreaming about inheriting all your money.



Babies are people, too; they want to eat what you want to eat. They want cheese-burgers and beer.



Children are capable of learning to read much earlier than we give them
credit for. Why, Mozart was only two years old when he wrote Moby Dick!




My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family,
and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a
period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid
just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.



Children at this age (1 yr) move around a lot while they sleep. If we
didn't keep them in cribs, they'd be hundreds of miles away by dawn.



You can take an educated, sophisticated couple who, before their child
was born, talked about great literature and the true meaning of life,
and for the first two years after they become parents, their
conversations will center on the consistency of their child's stool.



All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the
dark, of lobsters, of falling on a lobster in the dark, of speaking
before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required."



The best toys for a child aged 0 to 3 is a toy that says "For Ages 10
to 14." The best toy for a child aged 10 to 14 is cash, or its own
apartment.

thing I've seen in a while.

If I had to guess, I'd say the breed originated in France

Just a fun quiz for those people who know everything...

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?  Boxing and Chess

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?  Niagara Falls

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?  Artichokes, Asparagus

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?   Baseball

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? Strawberries

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?  Grown in there, the bottle is tied to the stem as it grows

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name them.  Dwell, Dwarf, Dwindle

8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?  , . :  ;  " !  ?  [] ... {} - _  ' ()

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"  Minneapolis land of 10000 lakes (Minneapolis Lakers originally

10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. Base on balls (intentional or not), hit by pitch, dropped third strike, catcher's interference,error, fielders choice, batted ball hits umpire or runner before contacte with fielder

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? Lettuce

12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S". sandals, socks, shoes, slippers, stockings, stilettos

The answers are in white letters after the question. Highlite them with your mouse to see.

iowahawk

Obama Names Bill Clinton to Presidential Post

WASHINGTON DC - Ending weeks of speculation and rumors, President-Elect Barack Obama today named Bill Clinton to join his incoming administration as President of the United States, where he will head the federal government's executive branch.

"I am pleased that Bill Clinton has agreed to come out of retirement to head up this crucial post in my administration," said Obama. "He brings a lifetime of previous executive experience as Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and has worked closely with most of the members of my Cabinet."

Clinton said he was "excited and honored" by the appointment, and would work "day and night" to defeat all the key policy objectives proposed by Mr. Obama during the campaign.

Sent by Ana

Denny Crane - Sniper, or was it Pilot?


Denny Crane - for President


Denny Crane - It Was an Accident

A Great Answer to a Dumb Question!!


Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:
"What do you feel.....when you shoot a Terrorist?"




The Marine shrugged and replied,
"A slight recoil."

*who didn't want his name associated with this treasonous weblog.

He also sent some pictures....

Theo Spark...

...fortunately she doesn't read this blog.

In today's inbox...

Black Hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else
to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Texas , has complained
that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would
prefer some names that reflect African-American culture; such as Chamiqua,
Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up !
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that
street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in
New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of
the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now:

A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says...Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua beheadin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo'Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearestguv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!

My favorite line...Or how about we only choose French names, so the fear of hurricanes will be put to rest?