Dog Blogging: July 2008 Archives

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought Kenny G, Cher, or Barbra Streisand albums.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're always ready to go.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you



Dog Diary:


8:00 am - Dog food! ... My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! ... My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! ... My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! ... My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! ... My favorite thing!

1:00 PM- Played in the yard! ... My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! ... My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! ... My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! ... My favorite thing!

8:00 PM- Wow! Watched TV with the people! ... My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! ... My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. The hash tastes like a slurry of chicken teeth, claws, and half rotten fish liver.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat the crap to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In another attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet and hacked up a pretty decent hairball.

Today I ripped the head off a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. ... Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.

He is obviously retarded.