Recently in Joke of the Day Category
However, little Johnny was uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he reluctantly replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside. "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", Little Johnny admitted, "He works for the Democratic Party National Committee, trying to get Barack Obama elected President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
"Tommy, give us an example of a dependent clause," she says.
Tommy replies, "My cat has 3 kittens, all of whom are Democrats."
Obama is delighted. "Not only does this precocious child have a proper grasp of grammar, but he has developed a socio-political consciousness!"
He runs out, gathers all the newspaper & television reporters he can find, and returns a couple of days later.
"Tommy," he says, "tell us about your dear little cat."
Tommy stands up and says loudly, "My cat has 3 kittens, all of whom are educated Republicans."
Obama is shocked. "Two days ago you said they were Democrats!" he whined.
Tommy looked at him pityingly. "Last night they opened their eyes."
Another...
Why do Obama's eyes tear up whenever he sees the flag?
He's sensitive to smoke.
Another...
What's the difference between Barack Obama and Jesus Christ?
Obama's middle name really begins with 'H.'
Another...
Q: How do you know Obama is the Messiah?
A: He can raise the dead. Check the voters list.
Another...
Q. What do Obama and Bin Laden have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What the hell happened? What's the big hold Up?'
The man at the window says,
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
The man outside the window says....
'About a gallon.'
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
Got my quarterly test results back. Cholesterol down around 150 and my sugar averaging 90. No prostrate or kidney problems. Good.
Stroke update: The muscle pains I've had the past month or so are fading unless I do something exotic. As my control comes back, muscles I haven't used in a while were (and some still are) screaming. I guess I am too close to the problem, cuz a guy I've worked with off and on for over a year didn't know I had a stroke. It still feels rocky on this end tho.
in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles
just as long as Jose, but only collects $2 to
$3 everyday.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house
& has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long & hard
as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase
full of $10 bills everyday?'
Jose says, .....'Look at your sign, what does
it say'?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support.'
Jose says ' No wonder you only get $2-3
dollars.'
Carlos says...'So what does your sign say'?
Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I
only need another $10 to move back to Mexico.'
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been canceled...
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The police woman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Theo Spark
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."
Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country!
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.
'Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green
'Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.
'Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
Suddenly, a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers (that's knickers for you european types) and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and usually went bra-less. One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said; "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me."
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said; "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
The painting 'Three Black Men' at the National Art Gallery in Dublin, and a husband and wife were staring at the portrait and it had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
Pharmacist Joke
A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! My license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and calmly replied, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
You know you're a Democrat if you can't stand your rich uncle, but you invite him to your daughter's graduation because he's gay.
You know you're a Republican if you support George Bush's plan to put a man on Mars.
You know you're a Democrat if you want that man to be George Bush.
You know you're a Republican if you think Colin Powell might make a good President, if he weren't black.
You know you're a Democrat if you think Colin Powell might make a good President, if he weren't conservative.
You know you're a Republican if you think every Democrat is a closet Communist.
You know you're a Democrat if you think every Republican is closeted.
You know you're a Republican if you wouldn't mind if the Commonwealth of Massachusetts seceded from the Union.
You know you're a Democrat if you wish the Republic of Texas had never become a state.
You Know you're a Republican if you start off on third base and think you've hit a triple.
You Know you're a Democrat if you hit a single but believe you deserve a triple because the other team got one.
You Know you're a Republican if you believe the U.S. Constitution clearly supports strip mining.
You Know you're a Democrat if you believe the U.S. Constitution clearly supports strippers.
You Know you're a Republican if you can't fathom that Abraham Lincoln was actually a Republican.
You Know you're a Democrat if you can't fathom that Abraham Lincoln was actually a Republican.
However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.
Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.Then I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
From the famous Theo Spark
Bloke in intensive care, oxygen mask, drips, etc. attached. The nurse is making him comfortable, and asks if there is anything else she can do for him or if he wants anything else.
He asks her 'Are my testicles black?"
She panics and tells him that's not her job, but she'll get the Matron.
Matron comes in and asks "Now, what can I do for you?"
He asks again, "Are my testicles black?"
Matron sighs, lifts the sheets, looks, palpates and replies "No, they are pink and soft and look fine. Why?"
He removes the mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"
I should have tried that one.
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch....
Osama Bin-liner writes George Bush a personal handwritten letter - thus proving he is still alive
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hello Keith!"
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Comrades from Pontypridd, Merthyr Tydfil, the Cynon Valley, Cardiff and Swansea soaked up the sun and enjoyed the exceptional culinary delights of the recently qualified Commie Chef, that were washed down with fine wines, beer and cider and the odd glass of Cuban rum.
The festivities hosted by Dominic & Sandra raised £150.00 towards the Communist Party's national appeal.
The event, however, was marred by allegations of raffle fixing when the Secretary and the Treasurer of the Communist Party's Welsh committee won the top two raffle prizes.
Opps, not a joke.How about this one...
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat
at the beginning of negotiations regarding the
resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister
requests that he be allowed to begin with a story.
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before
the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled
here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert.
The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty
and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream
appeared before them. They drank their fill and then
decided to take advantage of the stream to do some
bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out
of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.
"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.
"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--"
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were
no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got
that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
Joke #1
Two hunters are driving to go hunt bear, they drive past a sign that says "Bear Left", so they go home.
Okaaaay. All right then, try this one.Joke #2
Lots of folks can't understand how the US ran out of oil, but the answer is simple; nobody bothered to check the oil, and we didn't realize we were getting low. The reason for that is geographical: We keep the oil in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Alaska, but all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
BadaBing!!!Joke #3
Believe it or not,Texas actually named a city for a Mexican hitch-hiker.
El Paso.
Yikes! Ok, Ok.Joke #4
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, Miss Rogers asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied Miss Rogers. She then called on Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
Miss Rogers responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she called on Little Billy.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she's pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, that's just fucking beautiful'"
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's L12 for the rat, and L100 for the story."
The tourist gave the owner his L12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a poftah, a West Ham supporter, and anything French!
With a wave across the water to Mr. FM
It's in the Bible*
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told
his congregation that the entire range of human
experience could be found in the Bible. He
confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans,
it is described somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and
said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions
anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could
find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.
During the following week, he searched diligently,
book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and
asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the
Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to
read, "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem."
The Atheist & the Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!",
he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the
cause was, he saw a 12-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran
as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding
and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't
exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest
resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws
together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am
about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Thanx to Mr FM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and the Hunchback of Notre
Dame were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the
most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world."
The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have
to be the ugliest person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of
World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking
deliriously happy. She proclaimed, "It's Official, I
am the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and triumphantly emerged, stating,
"I am now officially the smallest person in the
world."
Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame came out
looking utterly confused and asks, "Who the fuck is
Rosie O'Donnell?"
Actually said in court..
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
From the other side of the pond...
Once upon a time, a blond became so sick of hearing blond jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one ?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blond thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blond carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back ?"
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blond came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten ?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car ?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is...
Here it is.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $1,000.00
The cannibal called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?'
The cook replied 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook.'
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This isPaddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire
darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring
you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have
had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness and we've decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000
French prisoners."
TEXAS WOMEN
Three men were sitting together at a bar bragging about the women they had all recently married and how they each had given their new wives a list of their "wifely" duties.
The first man said he had married a Woman from Tennessee and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes, prepare his favorite food and keep his house clean.
Well, it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house with dishes and clothes all washed and a fine dinner cooked.
The second man said he had married a woman from Oklahoma . He, too said he had given his wife orders on her duties. He told her she had to cook great meals, keep his home spic and span, launder his clothes and hang them ironed and ready to wear in his closet each day.
Well, the first day he didn't see any results, either, but the next day things seemed to be better. And by the third day, he came home from work and saw the house was spotless, the dishes were done, his clothes were laundered and hung in the closet according to color and there was a wonderful dinner on the table and the tv tuned to his favorite sports show.
The third man said he had married a girl from Texas. He said he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, their lawn mowed, his laundry washed
and dry cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye...at least enough to put a TV dinner in the microwave and load the dishwasher.
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion
of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class
for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al.
"That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No
other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Thanx to the MadPoet for the Joke
In honor of my impending trip down to the Wall with the Gathering of Eagles.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU DON"T KNOW MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!
*ducks flying objects*
Amanda Sends: Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond
A man walks into a pub with his monkey. He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.
While he's sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control.
It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.
The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did ?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time ?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball !" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later, the man comes back to the pub with his monkey.
While he's drinking at the bar, his monkey is again out of control.
The monkey finds a grape at the bar, picks it up, sticks it up his arse and then eats it.
The landlord, having seen this, asks the man: "Did you see what your sick monkey just did ?"
"No", says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well, what do you expect ? " asks the man.
"Since that pool ball he measures everything first !"
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then said she'd see him later and walked away.
The wife glared at her husband and said, "Who was that?" "Oh,"replied the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," said the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asked the wife. "That's his mistress," said her husband.
"Ours is prettier", she replied.
So this cowboy walked into a German car showroom and went "Owdy"
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're going to' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
History of US Military victories
1775-1783: The British crown presents a bill to American settlers who must now pay for their protection. Ungrateful settlers who are already allergic to taxes go on a rampage and attack tea boxes on a ship; several Americans are wounded in explosions. Americans win their sole victory in Saratoga when general Burgoyne realizes that Canadian merchants sold him ragweed instead of tea before his departure. Facing a mutiny he decides to surrender. In the following years Americans will lose most of ther battles due to their lack of discipline and massive desertions. In 1781, 30,000 French soldiers & sailors accept to integrate 11,000 American mascots who will play music from afar while the French win the Battle of Yorktown.
1812: The American army is crushed trying to invade Canada and abandons annexation plans. During the 19 the century, several raids are led against Indian women and babies with the US troops achieving some victories, but fail in their effort to ethnically cleanse the Indians. Nevertheless, some sucessful slaughters will lead them to believe that they are mighty and couragous warriors.
1861-1865: Americans win an impressive victory against themselves but it took a while. The Civil War as it comes to be called, will turn out to be the only war Americans ever win. Mind you they beat themselves, but why digress.
1898: The Spanish succeed a master coup and get rid of Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Philippines at the expense of the Americans, leaving them the impression that they won the war. Soon the US discovers that there is no oil there, and that their new possessions are a wastebasket, more than anything else.
1900-1950: A series of military interventions against banana republics in South America and the Caribbean against people armed with slingshots and spears has a beneficial effect on the American ego.
1918: The Americans arrive just on time to see the victory of the French and the British against the Germans. They then turn around, and try to claim the high ground by sabotaging the peace treaty and stabbing France in the back when it tries to enforce reparations and prevent Germany from rearming, thus setting the stage for WWII.
1941-1945: While as many as 20 million Russians die bleeding the Wermacht to death, the US wait until the Germans are left with the Hitler Youth, a childrens' force comprised of 14 year old soldiers to launch their assault. They are still saying today that they suffered heavy loses at their hands. In the whole Normandy Campaign they suffer less casualties than the French did in the first six months of 1940, and inflict less damage on the Germans, yet this is enough for them to claim they liberated Europe.
1950-1953: The US fails to beat North Korea, in 1953 the borders are still roughly what they were three years earlier.
1963-1973: Americans suffer cruelly from the lack of AC and marijuana of a poor quality in Vietnam. When they realize that their soldiers can be killed in a war they retreat.
1983: The combined aviation, navy and ground troops apply an audacious plan and succeed to beat a bunch of cuban workers armed with shovels in Granada. The celebrations go on for weeks with parades and chants of USA, USA.
1991: Americans align more soldiers than the French or the British combined and succeed in crushing an army of barefoot shiite drafted against their will who are armed with empty rifles and have barely had a thing to eat in months. But even this so-called victory is hollow as it is actually led by the Daguet division from France which leads the charge while American soldiers console themselves by rounding up prisoners that TV crews did not want.
1992-1995 and the war of Kosovo in 1998-1999 : The US let the British and the French do the dirty job on the ground but take the credit as usual.
1991: Americans align more soldiers than the French or the British and succeed to crush an army of barefoot Shi'ite drafted against their will. The Daguet division leads the charge while American soldiers console themselves in taking prisoners that the TV crews did not want.
1993 : Somalia : is there anyting to say ?
2001 : Americans invade Afghanistan, and within weeks, with the help of the special forces of most of Europe, the Taliban are 'beaten' and fall back to the mountains. The Afganistanis are over the moon, as free'um and 'mocracy take hold as never before.
2003: Iraq. Need I go on? I think not.
Funny. The best humor is setting up an 'impossible' or 'improbable' situation as if it was real.
You know, "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head..."
This qualifies.
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These Oldies
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
___
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
___
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."
___
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
