Recently in Joke of the Day Category
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than ten Taliban."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."
I have read that that joke goes back to the Romans fighting the Picts.
Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap w e don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and r esponded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.'
Theo
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.'
Theo
In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief said,
"Simple--- they were away at work."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet !" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"..
SENIORS
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, " I have a suppository in my ear ? "
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
___________________________
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the
big shit he always was.
___________________________
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ... please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
__________________________________
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
_______________________________
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'OK, but why the tears?'
She continued, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
______________________________________
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
...these aren't funny.
In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network,
FOX has announced that they will now air 'America 's Most Wanted' TWICE a week.
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.
Have you heard that Obama is getting his daughters a puppy?
He's going to take one from somebody who has too many puppies, and spread the puppies around.
Address Gun Violence in Cities: As president, Barack Obama would repeal the Tiahrt Amendment, which restricts the ability of local law enforcement to access important gun trace information, and give police officers across the nation the tools they need to solve gun crimes and fight the illegal arms trade. Obama and Biden also favor commonsense measures that respect the Second Amendment rights of gun owners, while keeping guns away from children and from criminals who shouldn't have them. They support closing the gun show loophole and making guns in this country childproof. They also support making the expired federal Assault Weapons Ban permanent, as such weapons belong on foreign battlefields and not on our streets.
He's going to take one from somebody who has too many puppies, and spread the puppies around.
Address Gun Violence in Cities: As president, Barack Obama would repeal the Tiahrt Amendment, which restricts the ability of local law enforcement to access important gun trace information, and give police officers across the nation the tools they need to solve gun crimes and fight the illegal arms trade. Obama and Biden also favor commonsense measures that respect the Second Amendment rights of gun owners, while keeping guns away from children and from criminals who shouldn't have them. They support closing the gun show loophole and making guns in this country childproof. They also support making the expired federal Assault Weapons Ban permanent, as such weapons belong on foreign battlefields and not on our streets.
Oopsy, the joke is on us...
Q. Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?
A. If he were any heavier he wouldn't be able to walk on water.
A. If he were any heavier he wouldn't be able to walk on water.
Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
A. The ink isn't dry yet.
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very
hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be
a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a
dick.
1.Vote for Obama because he says he will raise taxes on people making over $250,000 a year.He also says that 95% of Americans will receive a tax cut.With Obama in office it is certain you will never make $250,000 a year.That sort of money can only be handled responsibly by someone like his wife who make over $300,000 a year.
2.Vote for Obama if you don't want the U.S.to drill for the massive oil reserves that it has because it will take ten years to see one drop.Instead we can all wait for Obama's energy plan that won't see results for ten years or any more oil for that matter.
Who needs oil....?
3.Vote for Obama if you agree that it is a good idea to have someone like domestic terrorist scum like Bill Ayers influencing your childs education just like he and Obama did together on the Chicago Annenberg Challenge.Maybe he can teach your kids a skill....like making a nail bomb.
4.Vote for Obama because he will make sure that when a doctor performs an abortion there will be no survivors as he has repeatedly voted against medical help for babies that survive botched abortions.
5.Vote for Obama because you agree that it is better to pull troops out of Iraq regardless of the consequences instead of trying to win because a failure in Iraq is good for Democrats.He can take his good judgement and apply it to Afghanistan.
6.Vote for Obama because you agree with people like Rep.Barney Frank and Rep.Maxine Waters that there were no problems with Fannie Mae under the outstanding leadership of Franlklin Raines.A vote for Obama will give them even more power over your money.
7.Vote for Obama because you think it will be a good idea to have people like John Murtha and Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi deciding what is best for the military and how to preserve national security.
8.Vote for Obama because he disavowed the racist and inflammatory rhetoric of his former pastor Rev. Wright.He has said that he never heard any of the awful bigotry in his twenty years at the Trinity Church and I believe him.
9.Vote for Obama because he will make certain that the Federal Govt. will run healthcare with the same careful stewardship that they showed over FannieMae and Freddie Mac.Obama will do for healthcare what he helped Tony Rezko do for Grove Parc Plaza in Chicago.
10.Vote for Obama because you would like to see the same people who preyed for defeat in Iraq and who giggle like hyhenas over the financial mess they help create because they know that if people suffer it helps them politically.They don't care and why should you...?
11.Vote for Obama because you really like the way his political supporters threaten legal action againts anyone who criticizes him.
12.Vote for Obama because it will finally make his wife Michelle proud of her country.
13.Vote for Obama because you like the fact that he will pack the Supreme court with activist judges who make law from the bench.We could sure use two or three more like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
14.Vote for Obama because you love the way the Pelosi led Congress runs the Capitol and you would like to see her and her wrecking crew have even more power.
15.Vote for Obama because you want to see him bring all the experience he has has had as a State Senator and a community activist for ACORN and his relationships with convicted felons and unrepentant terrorist scum loser and his terror scum FBI 10 most wanted list wife to Washington.
He will surround himself with the same sort of people who got him this far and you can count on that.
2.Vote for Obama if you don't want the U.S.to drill for the massive oil reserves that it has because it will take ten years to see one drop.Instead we can all wait for Obama's energy plan that won't see results for ten years or any more oil for that matter.
Who needs oil....?
3.Vote for Obama if you agree that it is a good idea to have someone like domestic terrorist scum like Bill Ayers influencing your childs education just like he and Obama did together on the Chicago Annenberg Challenge.Maybe he can teach your kids a skill....like making a nail bomb.
4.Vote for Obama because he will make sure that when a doctor performs an abortion there will be no survivors as he has repeatedly voted against medical help for babies that survive botched abortions.
5.Vote for Obama because you agree that it is better to pull troops out of Iraq regardless of the consequences instead of trying to win because a failure in Iraq is good for Democrats.He can take his good judgement and apply it to Afghanistan.
6.Vote for Obama because you agree with people like Rep.Barney Frank and Rep.Maxine Waters that there were no problems with Fannie Mae under the outstanding leadership of Franlklin Raines.A vote for Obama will give them even more power over your money.
7.Vote for Obama because you think it will be a good idea to have people like John Murtha and Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi deciding what is best for the military and how to preserve national security.
8.Vote for Obama because he disavowed the racist and inflammatory rhetoric of his former pastor Rev. Wright.He has said that he never heard any of the awful bigotry in his twenty years at the Trinity Church and I believe him.
9.Vote for Obama because he will make certain that the Federal Govt. will run healthcare with the same careful stewardship that they showed over FannieMae and Freddie Mac.Obama will do for healthcare what he helped Tony Rezko do for Grove Parc Plaza in Chicago.
10.Vote for Obama because you would like to see the same people who preyed for defeat in Iraq and who giggle like hyhenas over the financial mess they help create because they know that if people suffer it helps them politically.They don't care and why should you...?
11.Vote for Obama because you really like the way his political supporters threaten legal action againts anyone who criticizes him.
12.Vote for Obama because it will finally make his wife Michelle proud of her country.
13.Vote for Obama because you like the fact that he will pack the Supreme court with activist judges who make law from the bench.We could sure use two or three more like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
14.Vote for Obama because you love the way the Pelosi led Congress runs the Capitol and you would like to see her and her wrecking crew have even more power.
15.Vote for Obama because you want to see him bring all the experience he has has had as a State Senator and a community activist for ACORN and his relationships with convicted felons and unrepentant terrorist scum loser and his terror scum FBI 10 most wanted list wife to Washington.
He will surround himself with the same sort of people who got him this far and you can count on that.
Subject: Harley Davidson
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented,
"Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally he said,
"Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented,
"Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally he said,
"Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he reluctantly replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside. "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", Little Johnny admitted, "He works for the Democratic Party National Committee, trying to get Barack Obama elected President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
However, little Johnny was uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he reluctantly replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside. "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", Little Johnny admitted, "He works for the Democratic Party National Committee, trying to get Barack Obama elected President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
Barack Obama is working the campaign trail and stops in an elementary school. The teacher proudly exhibits her pupils.
"Tommy, give us an example of a dependent clause," she says.
Tommy replies, "My cat has 3 kittens, all of whom are Democrats."
Obama is delighted. "Not only does this precocious child have a proper grasp of grammar, but he has developed a socio-political consciousness!"
He runs out, gathers all the newspaper & television reporters he can find, and returns a couple of days later.
"Tommy," he says, "tell us about your dear little cat."
Tommy stands up and says loudly, "My cat has 3 kittens, all of whom are educated Republicans."
Obama is shocked. "Two days ago you said they were Democrats!" he whined.
Tommy looked at him pityingly. "Last night they opened their eyes."
Another...
Why do Obama's eyes tear up whenever he sees the flag?
He's sensitive to smoke.
Another...
What's the difference between Barack Obama and Jesus Christ?
Obama's middle name really begins with 'H.'
Another...
Q: How do you know Obama is the Messiah?
A: He can raise the dead. Check the voters list.
Another...
Q. What do Obama and Bin Laden have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.
"Tommy, give us an example of a dependent clause," she says.
Tommy replies, "My cat has 3 kittens, all of whom are Democrats."
Obama is delighted. "Not only does this precocious child have a proper grasp of grammar, but he has developed a socio-political consciousness!"
He runs out, gathers all the newspaper & television reporters he can find, and returns a couple of days later.
"Tommy," he says, "tell us about your dear little cat."
Tommy stands up and says loudly, "My cat has 3 kittens, all of whom are educated Republicans."
Obama is shocked. "Two days ago you said they were Democrats!" he whined.
Tommy looked at him pityingly. "Last night they opened their eyes."
Another...
Why do Obama's eyes tear up whenever he sees the flag?
He's sensitive to smoke.
Another...
What's the difference between Barack Obama and Jesus Christ?
Obama's middle name really begins with 'H.'
Another...
Q: How do you know Obama is the Messiah?
A: He can raise the dead. Check the voters list.
Another...
Q. What do Obama and Bin Laden have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window..
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What the hell happened? What's the big hold Up?'
The man at the window says,
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
The man outside the window says....
'About a gallon.'
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What the hell happened? What's the big hold Up?'
The man at the window says,
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
The man outside the window says....
'About a gallon.'
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
Got my quarterly test results back. Cholesterol down around 150 and my sugar averaging 90. No prostrate or kidney problems. Good.
Stroke update: The muscle pains I've had the past month or so are fading unless I do something exotic. As my control comes back, muscles I haven't used in a while were (and some still are) screaming. I guess I am too close to the problem, cuz a guy I've worked with off and on for over a year didn't know I had a stroke. It still feels rocky on this end tho.
Jose & Carlos are panhandlers...They panhandle
in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles
just as long as Jose, but only collects $2 to
$3 everyday.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house
& has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long & hard
as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase
full of $10 bills everyday?'
Jose says, .....'Look at your sign, what does
it say'?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support.'
Jose says ' No wonder you only get $2-3
dollars.'
Carlos says...'So what does your sign say'?
Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I
only need another $10 to move back to Mexico.'
in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles
just as long as Jose, but only collects $2 to
$3 everyday.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house
& has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long & hard
as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase
full of $10 bills everyday?'
Jose says, .....'Look at your sign, what does
it say'?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support.'
Jose says ' No wonder you only get $2-3
dollars.'
Carlos says...'So what does your sign say'?
Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I
only need another $10 to move back to Mexico.'
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been canceled...
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been canceled...
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The police woman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Theo Spark
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The police woman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Theo Spark
Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."
Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country!
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."
Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country!
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.
'Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green
'Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.
'Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.
'Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green
'Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.
'Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers (that's knickers for you european types) and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers (that's knickers for you european types) and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for more than a year and we decided to get married. There was
only one thing bothering me: her beautiful younger sister.
My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and usually went bra-less. One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said; "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me."
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said; "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and usually went bra-less. One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said; "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me."
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said; "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
