Recently in satire Category
Thirsty, so very thirsty
Posted by: The Tree of Liberty at July 07, 2009 02:10 PM (PD1tk)
A comment in response to this wild and wooly article...a satire written by a conservative writer behind the lines in La La land. A psudonom helps keep him safe.
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2 007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system a nd Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Thanxx to PeterB
"I'm tired of running around the country raising money that I just have to hand over to the same mainstream media companies that ignore my campaign," said the former senator from Tennessee. "We've done enough this year to support the so-called free press of the first amendment. Let's give a boost to our friends who make it possible for us to exercise our second amendment right to keep and bear arms."
"Go out and get your sweetie a nice personal protection sidearm," said Mr. Thompson, "or buy your kid his first shotgun. If you have a few bucks leftover, go ahead and get that civil liberties insurance device you've been thinking about for yourself. I'd like to get ten or twelve thousand more firearms into the hands of law-abiding Americans, purchased from local merchants in hometowns across the nation."
Thompson supporters can visit the Fred '08 campaign website to anonymously report how much they spent on handguns, rifles and other firearms before midnight December 25, the eve of Washington's crossing the Delaware in 1776.
Sounds good to me. I've been wanting that Camp Carbine hanging 4th from the top at the Rutgers Gun and Boat Shoppe. I'm sure the wife will wait 'til her birthday for that crystal she wants.
It's for a good cause and all.
The nine nations of North America
* New England (also called New Britain or Atlantica) - an expanded version including not only Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Connecticut (although omitting the Connecticut suburbs of New York City), but also the Canadian Atlantic provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland and Labrador, and the Gaspe Peninsula of Quebec. Capital: Boston.
* The Foundry - the by-then-declining industrial areas of the northeastern United States and Great Lakes region stretching from New York City to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and including Chicago, Illinois and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as well as industrial southern Ontario centering on Toronto. Capital: Detroit.
* Dixie - the traditional Confederate States of America, which are today the southern and southeastern U.S. states, centered on Atlanta, Georgia, and including most of eastern Texas to Austin. "Dixie" also includes Kentucky, which had both Federal and Confederate governments, southern portions of Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana, and the "Little Dixie" region of southeastern Oklahoma. Finally, "Dixie" includes most of Florida as far south as the cities of Fort Myers and Naples. Capital: Atlanta.
* The Breadbasket - most of the Great Plains states and part of the Prairie provinces: Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Nebraska, the Dakotas, Oklahoma, most of western Missouri, western Wisconsin, eastern Colorado, parts of Illinois and Indiana, and northern Texas as well as some of 'near-North' Ontario, and southern Saskatchewan and Manitoba. Capital: Kansas City
* The Islands - The South Florida metropolitan area, the Florida Keys, the Caribbean, and parts of Venezuela. Capital: Miami
* Mexamerica — the southern and Central Valley portions of California as well as southern Arizona, the portion of Texas bordering on the Rio Grande, most of New Mexico and all of Mexico, centered on either Los Angeles or Mexico City (depending on whom you ask), which are significantly Spanish-speaking. Northern Mexico and the Baja California peninsula. Capital: Los Angeles
* Ecotopia - the Pacific Northwest coast west of the Cascade Range stretching from Alaska in the north to coastal areas of British Columbia, down through Washington state, Oregon and into California just north of Santa Barbara. Capital: San Francisco
* The Empty Quarter - most of Alaska, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana and Colorado from Denver west, as well as the eastern portions of Oregon, California, Washington, all of Alberta and Northern Canada (including Nunavut, although not yet created at that time), northern Arizona, parts of New Mexico, and British Columbia east of the Coast Ranges. Capital: Denver
* Quebec - the primarily French-speaking province of Canada, whose legislature is called the National Assembly of Quebec, and which has held referendums on secession in 1980 and 1995, the latter of which the secessionists lost narrowly. Capital: Quebec City
Aberrations:
* Washington, D.C. and its surrounding area, specifically referring to the area "inside the Beltway".
* Manhattan south of Harlem, and by extension the Manhattan neighborhoods to its north, are clearly within The Foundry).
* Hawaii, which is considered an Asian aberration as much as a North American aberration.
I'm moving out of the foundry to Dixie.
An Editorial by Harvey
Read the comments...
I can't see how some people are saying they support putting the fire out, yet don't serve in the fire department.
ChickenHosers.
"It's not fire, it's legitimate resistance to BushyMcWaterburton and their Non-Flammabalist aggression and occupation."A well-regulated Fire Department being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear water shall not be infringed.
So I'm reading a thread on evolution and a commenter says:
A species never gets any smarter than it need to be. Many years ago, I used to say much the same thing re evolution, but I phrased it as "an organism is likely to have little incentive to evolve much past the point at which it can consistently catch its natural prey". I used as an example "Consider that Norske fishermen have evolved, over the years, to the point at which they are very good at consistently catching cod-fish."
I"m Irish, my natural prey is a potato.
Hillary is winning over her co-workers.
Obama's experience is revealed.
John Edwards has 'nice hair'.
Yikes! What a group...a socialist, a Chicago machine pol, and an ambulance chaser.
You pukes want me to vote Democrat?
OK, put up somebody like this Democrat Senator.
Can't do it?
Nobody like that left in your party?
Then fuck off.
So I see this poll on a Website asking Europeans if they would help the US if we were really in trouble over something or other.
19% said no
3% yes, if they paid us
10% yes, but only if the US is getting hit by major disasters
13% yes, if I can pick and choose who I could help
51% yes, but only if they ask nicely
To which I commented:
I don't really understand the question...
1. In the Northeast, Europe is already helping us to get in touch with our feminine side.
2. Europe doesn't know where the Southwest, Mid-Atlantic, or Mid-West is. They wouldn't like it if they did...too 'cowboy' or 'bible belt'.
3. The Far West is already infested with Europeans...see No. 1
4. New England is too far out in the boonies for Europeans to know about, except as occasional vacation spots for French Presidents, and coastal enclaves full of French-looking politicians. As European history books have nothing about the American Revolutionary War...those states don't exist except as areas blocking parts of Canada from the Atlantic Ocean.
5. The Northwest has already surrendered to Europe in the cities, and the rot is creeping inland.
6. The South doesn't need any help from Europe. Except for the progressive urban shit-hole here or there....and Europe is welcome to them.
Of course help from England is always appreciated, altho I'm afraid we may, along with Canada and Australia, become a refuge for Brits fed up with the Nanny state.
So except for some urban slivers on both coasts, I'd be surprised if Europe was even aware how large this country is. They must think the area between coasts is still Indian country.
We would very much appreciate your help, but please limit it to those areas of the country that are secular, liberal, and needy...you will know them by the crime, filth, lack of guns, and the huge amount of self-proclaimed victims.
Oh, and be careful if you try to interfere with the South...they've been known to get a bit cranky when bothered too much. See if you can find a history book that hasn't been burned or revised, and start reading at 1861. We in the North have decided we don't want to go thru that again and many of us would probably move South to help out.
Probably not what PETA was trying to accomplish....
Make your own KFC sign at KentuckyFriedCruelty.com
Thanx to Michelle Malkin for the link
